Choice and Contradiction

Yesterday I had a dinner with a couple of friends (Well, they actually ARE a couple). I was running errands mostly on the north side of river, but went down to Gangnam Station area just to meet them there and move to other destination, instead of meeting them at the real destination or some place else closer to there. It is something I do for few people who I don’t or can’t meet more frequently than I (or they, if I get lucky or popular enough) want, as we can have more conversation while heading out. You can have at least 30 minutes more and usually longer than that.

They both work for the biggest company in Korea (well, we all know what that company is so I don’t need to name them…) so I spent some time in underground mall of their office complex until they left the office. I was kind of shocked that there were a daycare center. Well, daycare center is the least thing I need to pay attention as I do not have children, not even a spouse but mere presence of it shocked me as for me it seemed to kind of symbolize the invisible fence those who works for companies can get.

From time to time, I run into some people say like “oh I envy you as you are freelancing. It means that you are free to do whatever you like.” It was about this time of last year I tried to explain something: I don’t know what you think of it, but I am damn so sure that freelancing is not that. It is not about how hard to make the ends meet. Rather, the vulnerability I must recognize and endure. Hey, when I worked for company, most of people made a copy of their personal documents every now and then. I can’t these days. Whatever amount, I must pay. And even paying is fine, but when you a urgent need of copying something but there no place to provide such service around your house… I just take copying as example, but there are a much bigger fences or safety nets they are not aware of or take for granted. How about insurances? Daycare could be the one, too. These days, I never be able to imagine myself to make my own family even from pure financial perspective… let alone all the negative feeling I have been having for a while about the duty of parents; you must try so hard to convince your children that life something worthy living at least once. In other words, educating the importance of self-justification. Hey, we are born to this world so we must live a happy life. Otherwise we are doomed!

I think it is all about making a choice. I did choose this all by myself after trying so hard to live that way; blending and mingling. I finally had an answer that it would never work for me. There was no other choice but this for me and I knew very well that there would be some time I could feel like being total outcast. I could care less about all the hardships I have to come through such as not so stable income and things like that but I don’t deserve to hear careless words like that. It makes me more upset that losing my pages from magazine.

So it is very same: if you have made your choice, you have to suck it up. Yesterday you whined like “I hated my job and my company” million times until I got sick and tired of sheer repetition of same whining, even without paying attention what really they are and today you say “I am very happy when thinking about vacation coming next week.” If you are filthy rich then money could come from other source so it is not a big deal (but wait, if that is the case, you don’t really need to work, or you just do it for fun/socialization/trying different attire every day like Lucy Liu from Ally McBeal. Hey, if that is the case you don’t even need to hate your job anyway, right? Why care?), but most cases you are not so the money IS from your job. All in all, what makes you disgusted actually makes you happy and how in the world can you swallow this contradiction you create? Oh, from the previous experiences, I learned only one lesson and it seems to work for this situation: saying out loud that you hate your job or company doesn’t make you look cool. Oh, let me be precise so that I am not misunderstood: you can hate whatever you want, but saying it out loud doesn’t make you cool. We all have to know at least whining doesn’t make us look prettier than what we are now as it is not the neatest mean of e-pression. You never know that your company in fact doesn’t need you as much as you think they do. Don’t try to burst the bubble of personal illusion(or delusion) protecting you. You don’t need to know all the truth in the world since you can be more miserable than now.

 by bluexmas | 2011/07/23 01:40 | Life | 트랙백 | 덧글(2)

 Commented by Katie at 2011/07/23 03:42 
저도 혼자 일하는지라 공감이 많이 되네요! 무슨 일을 하던, 결국 일장일단이 있는거겠죠. 남들은 더 flexible한 스케줄이나 더 많은 샐러리를 부러워하지만, 소속감이라던가 불안감이 좀 덜하다던가(?).. 가끔 내키지 않는데도, 언제 어떻게 될지 모르니까 할수있을때 많이 하자(?)라는 생각에; 오케이하는경우가 있기도 한걸 생각하면; (일을 더 많이 하니까 더 버는게 당연한데 엉엉) 오히려 혼자 일하는게 일과 생활 사이의 균형 잡기가 더 어렵다는걸 사람들은 잘 모르겠죠 ………………. 전 가끔 일하다보면 왠지 일년 365일 일하고있는 느낌 @@

 Commented by bluexmas at 2011/07/23 16:17
네 뭐 많이 벌면야 좋은데 그게 그렇지도 않거나 못하니…

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