Sometimes I cannot tolerate myself. I just really cannot.
Some might think I hate myself. It is little different. Simply put, hatred is one of many emotions, mainly negative, included in intolerance. In other words, sometimes intolerance is hatred; some other times it isn’t. It can be indifference, mockery, or even sympathy. Or anything else. Spectrum is broad, as much as I want.
The toughest moments of intolerance comes when drinking as I tend or even try to loosen or unleash myself. The more I get drunk, the more I bitch. I bitch about everything including myself. And then I get tired or it, so self-intolerance kick in. Eventually, I end up bitching about everything myself bitching about almost everything including myself. Before that intolerance resonates with hatred, I must run away from the situation.
And I remember I did that last night. Consequently I obtained self-pity instead of hatred. No wonder I cannot be sure that I got the better deal.
After sending out the second article out of third one, I went out. Should’ve stayed and took a rest since I had mild hangover. It was not that bad but I had to threw up after drinking ‘Yeomyoung.” It happens nine out of ten times so I cannot help but think that it is rather a puke-inducer. Every time I throw up, I feel like I swallow 380 10 won coins only to throw up right away. Such a waste of money. For soothing, had ramen; maybe the first time in couple of month. I was torn between ‘Sarigomtang’ and ‘Mupama’, which some recommended with bean sprouts. I was almost inclined to the former since I hadn’t had it more than a decade and wanted to tasted but couldn’t imagine the consequence after adding bean sprouts. Thus the choice had to be the latter, and it was the right one as I got re-energized and finished the assignment as promised.
As clock approached ten, the rain got harder. But I wanted to take a walk anyway, so I took 271 less reluctantly than I should have. The walk was meant be short one; from Jeongdong to City Hall subway station, via Seoul Daycare center. The one of the routes I prefer over others. The rain subsided a bit after entering Jeongdonggil but I couldn’t pay much attention to anything other than preventing the sneakers getting wet simply because I wasn’t sure I could get them dry. I walked tiptoe all along.
When reaching Yeomchang station, the rain got harder again. I thought that being intolerance to myself can be in fact better than being that to others since at least I can be that to myself as much as I want. I couldn’t come up with logically solid supporting ideas as I tried so hard to keep the sneaker dry, but it just seemed so.